I admit it. This picture has nothing to do, whatsoever, with this post. But ya’all have forced me to bring out the Big Guns: with the approaching holidays and all the stress it entails, people need laughter more than ever. And at the Sunshine Express, that’s what we do best. For your reading please, I’ve chronicled 5 of my most embarrassing moments throughout my life. Enjoy. 🙂

1. Falling in the mud in front of the love of my life.

I was in first grade. Alvin was a mature 7th or 8th grader. He was tall, dark, handsome and mysterious. (Whatever ‘mysterious’ meant.)

The bell rang, and it was recess. At long last! I could run outside and spend a few minutes in his glorious presence.

We surged out of the classroom toward the playground; I ran toward Alvin with abundant joy. Yes! He was there! At the swing set! I could bask in the glow of his beautiful smile, and hear his mature voice as he said ‘hello’ to me.

I ran as fast as I could, wanting to squeeze every minute I could out of this moment. Just as I approached the swing set, and right in front of Alvin, I slipped in a huge mud puddle, and landed SPLAT on my butt.         Pause.

Mortified, I jumped up, feeling my white cotton undies with the eyelet trim wet and gooey with mud and sticking to my bottom. I immediately turned and ran as fast as I could back to the schoolhouse.

From that moment on, I have no memory of Alvin. Probably because I was too embarrassed to ever talk to him again. 😉

2. Forgetting the words to a song in front of a huge crowd of people.

There’s a reason none of you have ever heard me sing unless I’m buried solidly in a group of people.

It could be that I just really stink at it. (My husband has told me I should keep my day job.)

I was a 15, and a candidate for the town’s festival (called the Homecoming) Queen. I was pretty much clueless.

I didn’t really have any talent. What could I do? Hmmmmm.

In a moment of lunacy that I’ve been smart enough not to repeat (thank goodness there was no YouTube then!) I decided I would sing acapella (meaning, there wasn’t even any accompaniment to drown me out)an older song that my grandmother dug out of her musical stash.

I was incredibly nervous. Back then, the only thing scarier than the idea of speaking in front of a crowd was a dental procedure.

I got started off on the right foot, although I can’t say I had much in the way of stage presence.

And then suddenly…I went blank. Utterly, completely, positively blank.         Pause.

I’m looking out at a crowd of people. Lots and lots of people. (Okay, it seemed that way then.) I said, “I have suddenly forgotten the words”…and I’m sure I said something else…finished the best I could, and hustled my a$$ off the stage.

A few people said, “You handled that really well.” It was like the elephant in the room for a couple of days. If nobody mentioned it, I could convince myself nobody heard it. 😉

The funny thing is, to this day I’m not sure if I have a talent. Oh sure, I can do a lot of things well. But TALENT? Bah.

3. Getting “pants-ed” at a college party.

My college friends who are reading this (and we know who you are) right about now are going, “OMIGOSH I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT!”

I was about a sophomore or junior in college, and we’d gone to a party with my roommate’s then- boyfriend (if I remember correctly). It was rather late in the evening (ahem) and fortunately, I don’t recall their being a ton of people there.

I’m thinking there were a couple of baseball or basketball players there who were kinda hot, but thankfully, not a big crowd. There’s also been enough water under the bridge that I can’t remember if it was spring or fall, I just remember I was wearing shorts.

Navy blue shorts with white piping. Very similar to the ones that are in style now.

I was standing in the center of the room (OF COURSE), minding my own business, when one of the guys at the party who clearly had had too much to drink at that point and apparently had not had much success with women or he would have known better, walked up behind me and pulled my shorts down.

Like, down nearly to my knees. Seriously?

Did I mention I was standing in the middle of the room? SIGH.         Pause.

Because it was late in the evening, my initial reaction to the whole mortifying experience wasn’t necessarily one that in my own best interest. It was just instinctive.

I collapsed onto the floor into a pile, and cried. SIGH.

My roommate was off talking to some people, and her then-boyfriend came up to her. “Ugh, your roommate is sitting in the middle of the floor crying with her pants down.” My roommate, bless her heart, stepped in and saved the day, collecting me, pulling my pants up, and ushering me back home.

If I’d have been smart enough just to pull my pants up, no one would have noticed.

But noooooooooooooo….instead, I cried. Which everyone noticed. What a wimp. 😉

4. Walking out of the break room with my dress stuck in my underpants.

When I was in college, I worked at Wal-Mart. It was during the summer, and I was wearing a super-cute sundress to work. I have no idea what it’s like now, but I have all kinds of friends, still, that I worked with at the Wally World. We hung out a lot after work, and really looked forward to seeing other when we went into work. We had a great time!

One afternoon I’d taken a break, and popped into the bathroom just inside the break room. I walked out, unaware that the whole back side of my dress was stuck down inside my underpants.

There were probably a dozen people inside the break room.

Randy, a good friend of mine who happened to be on break, just said, “WOOHOOOOOOOOO!” in a tone that I’d never heard before.

Fortunately, his pointed look clued me in, the  planets all came together, and I picked up on his meaning and fixed the problem before walking out into the store. (That in itself was remarkable.)

5. The last time I pooped my pants.

I was a busy kid. Outside on the farm, I had animals to play with, bikes to ride, all kinds of activities to keep me busy.

I was about five or six, old enough to know when I needed to go to the bathroom.

It was a spring day, the weather was nice, and after being shut in for so long, I had a lot to do outside. I was too busy, apparently, to pay much attention to Mother Nature when she came knocking at the back door. I knew I had to go, I was just…busy. I kept thinking, “I’ll go in and GO after I do this.” Just like hitting the snooze button, I kept putting it off.

Well. I waited just a tad too long. Suddenly, my pants filled.         Pause.

It was not a good feeling. SIGH.

I went inside to look for my mom, who happened to be occupying our only bathroom at the moment. She was seated on the toilet looking out the window (it was an Anderson window), and the bathroom doors were open, as we were the only ones at home.

I walked in, seating myself carefully on the side of the tub in spite of the grossness in my pants, and tried to play it cool. I said the only thing I could think of, trying to work up the courage to confess to my mom the completely irresponsible, immature and utmost mortifying thing I’d done.

“So, what are you doing?”

Really original, eh?

I told Jimmy this story years ago. Every once in a while, he’ll walk into a room and go, “So, what are you doing?” 😀

I’d love to be able to tell you that these were the ONLY embarrassing moments I’ve experienced. But no…they happen with enough regularity that I’ve ceased to be embarrassed about them anymore. (Age has a lot to do with it too.)

I am not, however, above embarrassing anyone I’m with. BWAH HA HA HA HA HA… 😀