Once upon a time, one holiday season about 15 years ago, a pair of not-so-young lovers were eagerly spending their first Christmas together. Swept up in the romanticism of it all, they visited a local Christmas Tree Farm and spent the afternoon trudging through the forest searching for the Perfect Tree. And, it was Perfect! Big and bold and beautiful, they brought it home to their little cottage.

Upon whence, they discovered that trees appear much smaller in out in the field than on the threshold of their house. After much grunting, gasping, shoving, pushing, heaving and swearing, the couple finally wedged the rotund evergreen into the house, stuffed it into the disproportional tree stand, and stood back to take a look.

Fully 3 feet remained between the Ruebenesque pine and the television set for traffic to pass through.  In spite of the fact the tree occupied much of the living room and the couple could not see each other around the tree, it was still beautiful. And so Christmas passed, and the couple noted that searching for a slightly smaller tree the next year might be in order.

Another year came, with another opportunity for the Perfect Tree. It was the first year for the new Great Room, with the 16-ft. cathedral ceiling, the majestic tall windows, and barn-wood style flooring, and its lodge-like setting was perfect for the Perfect Tree.

And, indeed it was Perfect. Admired by all, far and wide, the couple savored every day with their beautiful tree.

Right up until the time they took down the tree and moved it out, upon which they discovered had been a Perfectly Incontinent Tree. Their lovely new laminate flooring was now swollen and forever puckered from the excess moisture.

Fortunately, time heals all, and once again, the couple brought home the Perfect Tree. A larger living room meant a larger Perfect Tree, and this one was The Best Ever! It stood tall, regal and dignified, adorned with the finery of new decorations.

And, while the couple treasured the outdoors and enjoyed bringing nature indoors, the infestation of spider mites on the tree 3 days before Christmas created finery of an undesirable type. Two sacrificial houseplants, five now crackle-painted ornaments ruined by bug spray, and one burned evergreen later, the couple felt perhaps next year it would be wise to patronize a different Christmas Tree farm.

By the next year, the ever-optimistic couple had of course forgotten the pain and inconvenience of all the prior years, and brought home the Perfect Tree. This had to be the best one yet! It was the perfect shape, perfect height, and it’s beauty was simply breathtaking.

The ornaments were perfectly coordinated; the lights sparkled, it was a  joy to behold. The couple rejoiced in their good fortune and the beauty of the Perfect Tree, and agreed that indeed, this one was the Perfect Tree.

It stood alone, rising above comparison above all the others. Right up until the moment, precisely at 1:32 a.m., that it crashed to the floor.

And that, my friends, is why the Stantons now have the Perfectly Pre-Lit Artificial Tree. 🙂